​​I was blessed to be able to attend the funeral in Florida for my brother David. Not all of my siblings were able to go. David's wife Yvonne was gracious enough to let me take these photos.
​I was a bit overwhelmed at the time but I hope that they do the day justice. 

​As you scroll through these photos,
take your time. 
Embrace each picture fully.
​Each moment was captured for a purpose. ​

​​December 20th, 2019

Dear Journal,
My brother David died yesterday.
You have no idea how hard it was to write those words.

​Text at 8:30 am. December 19th
 "Matthew called and said David just passed out. They have not been able to get him to regain consciousness. Have taken him to the hospital."

When I got this text, I was getting ready to go to my kids school. Every year each grade sings a Christmas song for the parents during the first hour of school. Today was that day. It was also my brother Joe's birthday and my eleventh wedding anniversary.

 I was shocked but still hopeful that it would all turn out fine. After all, my brother David was a marathon runner who had over 39 medals and who had ran 9000 miles within the last few years. It couldn't be that serious. 

Text at 9:24 am 
 "David had a massive heart attack. Things are not looking good."

At this moment I was at the school and both my kids had preformed their songs (thank goodness) and I decided to sit and watch the other grades so that I could take a minute to process it all. I had a horrible feeling in my stomach and I felt like I was radiating anxiety.

Text at 9:41 am
 "David passed away about 10 minutes ago."

I'm not sure what came over me in this moment. I've always been proficient at "leaving it at the door" as my high school drama teacher would say. I've had success in being able to keep my emotions in check around others.
well, I lost control. 
I practically ran out of the gym into the hall, fell on the floor and sobbed.
​I haven't cried like that since I had my second miscarriage 3 years ago. 
I was shaking uncontrollably, and there was a moment I thought I might actually pass out.
After a few minutes, I was able to stand and get my breathing under control. 

The rest of the day was filled with visiting my parents... Soooo many phone calls, crying and
​more group texts than you can imagine. 

Sitting down now, only a few days before Christmas to write a portion of my jumbled emotions ​seems so
silly and ridiculous. 
I wish I could just talk, but sometimes for me,
the words are too difficult to say out loud.
So I write.... 

I feel injured and crippled. It's like a part of my heart that holds my family and all those precious people I hold close has been chipped. My beautiful family portrait has been ripped and torn. 

I feel happy and joyful that he gets to be with God. How beautiful it must be. He also gets to be with my grandparents, my nephew's Tommy and Limhi who passed away too young and my babies I was never able to meet. 

I feel so much empathy for his kids who are devastated. I love them fiercely. 

I'm crushed by the thought of how my parents must feel to loose their baby. 

I'm grateful he had little to no pain. 

I feel such gratitude that one day I'll see him again and love for my savior Jesus Christ for making that possible.

I feel such regret and guilt that I didn't try harder to get more pictures, hug more and talk more.

I can't fathom how his wife Yvonne is feeling. I'm not strong enough for that. 

There are many more thoughts and emotions but as usual,
​music has a way of saying what I can't...